Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be A-Holes

Apologies in advance to Waylon and Willie. 

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be a-holes
Don't let 'em talk smack and act like they're cool
It makes 'em look insecure - so much like a tool
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be a-holes
'Cause people won't forget that and they'll grow up to be
A-holes to someone they love

Uh oh! The mama bear has been poked again. 

You know that saying, "Boys will be Boys"? Yeah. Well, Boys will be A-holes too. And girls. But I'm here to address the boys. But girl moms can come along for the ride too.

I'd like to break it down for all of you who turn a deaf ear when someone says your child can be an a-hole. I know that may be hard to hear, but we all need to. I live in a house with 3 mostly sweet boys and a husband, who all have the potential to act like an a-hole. Your child is no different. If they are capable of treating you or their siblings like a jerk, then why wouldn't they treat "friends" that way? 

I am sure you are not new to the concept of people fighting their own insecurities - their lack of athletic talent, their chubby mid-section, their need to feel accepted/perfect, their less-than desirable home life, their overall awkwardness, etc. - by targeting and belittling others. I know! I know. It is very hard to believe that your child acts differently when you are not around. I get it. But they absolutely do, because you'd probably tear them to shreds if you heard and saw the way they treat others so they can feel super cool and impress their peers. 

I also know you're going to want to justify your son's behavior by saying the other child probably provoked it,  because our first reaction is to protect our children and see them as a victim. But would you believe that the other child may just be smaller, quieter, may not conform to the popular dress code, or maybe he's just a nice kid and other kids view him as uncool or even better...a target? It happens. 

I am certainly not an expert in this field, or any field for that matter. But I grew up in a house full of boys and am now raising a house full. I definitely know what it looks like for boys to be boys...

• Friendly fighting - boxing, body slamming, cage fighting on trampolines, whacking each other with sticks and swords, scrappy driveway basketball games, etc.
• Friendly rivalry on the court, course, or field - when both parties are equally enjoying it and both walk away feeling good about themselves
• Real live peeing contests 
• Ganging up on younger sisters - maybe even tying her up and leaving her until someone noticed she was missing
• Blaming other siblings for their own wrong doing
• Back talking parents to prove a point

But for boys to be a-holes is completely different. Boys are not a-holes by nature. They are capable of being nice and kind to others. They become a-holes to cover up hurt and self-doubt. It usually shows up in the form of...

• Becoming physically aggressive - pushing, hitting, kicking, or threatening to fight the target
• Spreading rumors and making false hurtful comments about the target - such as:
• "He sucks at {insert sport}."
• "He must be gay because he can't get a girl."
• "He is only on the team because the coach felt sorry for him." 
• "He wears cheap off-brand clothes."
• Ganging up and making them feel helpless/backed into a corner
• Framing and blaming - destroying property or breaking rules and blaming the target
• Talking crap - Constant degrading, heckling, and belittling where no one of authority can hear. Not to be confused with friendly rivalry.  Usually about:
• clothes
• sports ability
• girls
• academic performance
• physical appearance
• One-upping and incessant bragging - which sadly, they usually learn from their parents

All of the above is nothing but insecurity and self-doubt. We have encountered all this as parents of three boys. On the rare occasion that we are on the offending side, my boys know there are absolutely going to be consequences for their actions. Those consequences involve humbling themselves and being held accountable. Unfortunately, we have been on the receiving end of a lot of this in recent years. And while I would love to address each negative behavior above with my personal examples and explanations, I'll spare you this time. But I will say, when brought to the parents' attention, the child had minimal consequences, no humbling and accountability was involved, and we were made to look like the bad guys. When did we decide it was OK for our a-hole children not to own their words and actions?

I have consulted professionals of all kinds to get their opinion of how to best handle these situations. I have only walked away more confused - let the school handle it, go straight to the parent, take the highroad, etc. There is no perfect solution! So I wanted to share this with you, in hopes that you will start a dialogue with your potential a-hole son. Several years ago, I saved this to a Pinterest board when our neighbor was dealing with some mean girl drama. Her mom and I sat down with our kids and had them insert names to each of these characteristics. I have also put a copy on my refrigerator to remind my boys of what a friend looks like. I hope that you will do the same. It comes from a children's book called Confessions of a Former Bully. We have never read it, but it gets great reviews and I just love this excerpt! 

Really people! No one likes an a-hole! Young a-holes grow up to be big a-holes. In their path of destruction they not only hurt others, they hurt themselves. Your son is 150% capable of doing EVERYTHING on the right side of this chart. So don't act surprised when your phone rings and you learn that he was acting like an a-hole. Ask him if he has ever treated someone this way. Give him a chance to own it! Ask him if he's ever been treated this way. You just may learn something new and help him through any harbored negativity.

He is also 150% capable of doing EVERYTHING on the left side of the chart. Ask him to give you examples of a time when he was a good friend. Yes! I mean your middle and high schoolers especially! It's not a babyish conversation. It's something we have an obligation to do. It also reminds our children of our expectations and the Golden Rule.

If you've made it this far and you're saying "Stop your whining! It's just a phase...kids will be kids...boys will be boys", then you're just the person who needs to read this, because obviously you've been fortunate enough to not be on the receiving end of this. So thank you for sticking around. Hopefully, you took away a nugget.

Alright, I will now step down from my soapbox. But please! I'm begging you... Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be A-holes! Start the conversation now. It's never too late.

XO,
CTBaker

Weekend Wrap

Wow! After my post last Friday, I had no idea I would evoke such emotion. Your FB comments, texts, private messages and conversations in passing warmed my heart. It's so good to know I'm not alone in these feelings. I also did NOT intend to make so many of you sad or fearful of the teen years. It's all good. Just a HUGE learning experience!

But the flip side of all that is that it breathed some life into this empty space of mine. It used to get some pretty good foot traffic on this blog and it was nice to have visitors again...

Thanks for inspiring me to come back!

I used to enjoy recapping our weekends. I want my boys to be able to come back and read what life was like back-in-the-day. It's usually simple with no frills, but it's ours.


{Friday}
I had the pleasure of attending the 2nd Grade Poetry Cafe. We watched and waited as 7000 - no lie - 2nd graders read their masterpieces. Some were endearing and touted love and praise for mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters so sweetly! Some, it was hard to tell who plagiarized who, as they sounded extremely similar to their classmates. Then there was the child who read his perfectly written poem - chock full of metaphors and personification - about his alien-like clothing. I'm sure that mother's heart was melting! ;-)

And Friday night was so eventful that I can't even remember what we did. All I remember is that there was pizza and brownies involved. Good enough.

{Saturday}
What a GORGEOUS day! Winter has decided to only tease us this year in South Cackalacky and Mother Nature has been more than generous with the spring-like temps. So I decided while the crazies were wrapping up their basketball season that I'd do some spring cleaning. My new obsession...Method squirt + mop! With its delightful almond scent, my boys were very disappointed to discover that I actually hadn't made Biscottis, it was just the floor cleaner. Sorry, guys. BUZZ KILL!

Somehow, we ended up being childless Saturday night. The boys all went hither, thither and yon, sleeping over with friends. And Shannon and I were all.alone! We went all out...hot and heavy! With a spic-n-span house, we spent the evening eating takeout sushi, getting caught up to the season finale of The Affair and doing this...

Folding six loads of laundry! Because that's hot when it comes out of the dryer, and heavy when it fills the basket...right?

{Sunday}
Sunday was a good Sunday. My friends and I have recently discussed the ridonkulous hustle and bustle that occurs on Sundays. Practices, games, school projects...here, there, and everywhere! When did it become like that? I like it Lionel Ritchie-style. After church, we went to lunch and leisurely enjoyed the rest of the beautiful afternoon. Shan and the boys made some progress on the tree house (Yay!), I went to barre3, got us all organized for the week, then Shan made us some amazing filets on the grill. I forewarned everyone in my house that it was Grammy night and that I would be out of commission at 8pm.

As far as the 2017 Grammys are concerned, I have 2 words (actually, names)...

Adele!

And Beyonce´??????????

Adele cleaned house...again. It was just like a flashback from 5 years ago. And "Bouncey" was channeling the Virgin Mary or something. I'm not really sure what was happening there. Did you know she's having twins? I think she's the first person to ever have twins. #notreallyafan

Any who, it was just another wild weekend in the life of this family in The Acres.

See y'all soon!

Kicking the Sh*t out of Option B

My friend Helen and I like to refer to Mid-life as the 2nd Middle School. It's all that awkward ugliness all over again in grown up form. There's disappointment, confusion, frustration...all of it. There is no doubt I'm there...questioning it ALL, wondering how I got here and how it'll all play out. It's been an interesting year to say the least.


My soul is being searched. My losses are currently being mourned. And I'm now planning to "kick the sh*t out of option B."

I am learning that grief comes in all sorts of packages, but painful nonetheless. It has truly been a year of  pushing through for me and my little family. I've found myself pushing through grief in the form of the sudden loss of my closest friend and neighbor, parenting, marriage, and career struggles. Not to mention, exhausting and unhealthy relationships, and dreams that will never come to pass. I have cried A LOT. I have screamed at God numerous times. I have begged for mercy and guidance. I have questioned every single fiber of my wonderfully-made self. I have wanted to quit everything. I have felt repeatedly kicked while I was down. But did you know, while you're "down", you discover a lot of wisdom, grace, love, and good ol' "Option B", as Sheryl Sandberg calls it. 

While grieving the sudden loss of a friend who knew my every move for the last 10 years, and who was like family is still very raw, it is the grace and love from friends and family that make the really difficult days a little more bearable. I have gained a greater appreciation for the old cliche..."life is short". And the concept of making a positive impact while we are here is far more brilliant than before. Through Robin's death I've learned to love more passionately! I no longer have her here with me, but I now have numerous new close{r} friends and a deeper connection to older friends because of her passing. I have felt God working through and in me these last 4 months. Her husband told me just a few days after she died that we all would have to take on being a little piece of Robin, because she just made this world a better, more interesting place. And it's true. Though it will never bring her back, our Option B is to keep her spirit alive through her love and passion for those she loved.

Losing someone special is never easy, and let's face it, neither is being a mom or wife! Marriage and parenting can sometimes feel like the most unrewarding, thankless, and difficult jobs we'll ever have. The worst part...there is no time-clock and there are no weekends off for either one. In recent months, there were days where I just didn't have it in me to play either role, because it seemed pointless.

There. I said it. 

But here I am, because quitting is not an option and I know deep down, it isn't pointless.

I'm the wife to an awesome man I've been with for 24 years. And we promised to love, honor, and duke it out for the sake of each other until we're dead. And I birthed 3 handsome, smart, talented, frequently bull-headed, bundles of love {who, at times, test my patience and make me want to get in my car and drive as fast and far away as possible, and live off the crackers and french fries under the seat, and drink from the left over water and Gatorade bottles in the backseat}. But regardless, I love them so fiercely! So, Shan and I are pushing through Option B - for better or for worse! 

With some guidance we're learning to communicate more effectively and attempting to put the quality back in our time together. And even though we usually feel like we're peeing in the ocean, we're continuing to teach our boys how to effectively communicate, love all of them where they are, and praying that they see themselves as God does.

Meanwhile, there's this whole career thing. Do you ever really know what you want to be when you grow up anyway? This year posed many questions for us in our professional lives. Shan has been feeling less than fulfilled and wondering if he needs to change directions. My contract wasn't renewed back in July due to a financial crisis at the college. And we've both felt a whirlwind of emotions regarding our futures. I even went on a wild-goose hunt for another job. I had the pleasure of experiencing hard-core rejection a few times, which was awesome. {Insert sarcasm font} Then there were the interviews and offers that came my way that just fell short. 

So I stopped searching. 

I just decided to be still and know that God's got this. For me, being quiet and still is quite a job in and of itself. But while I have been "still", I have had time to search my soul, lifestyle, and goals to see what's going to work for me and my family. I may never have a cut-and-dry title - doctor, lawyer, teacher, realtor etc., because I've never been one to stuff myself into a box. I absolutely do know what I'm good at though, and I know God is using all those things to cook up a fantastic Option B for my family and me. 

And what about all the "-ships"? That whole love is patient, love is kind passage in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It's for real. And when you start to feel all the things that love is not, it's your cue to get out. Friendships and relationships of all kinds. Those relationships are like sponges. They will suck the life out of you! It's not always easy, but it is completely necessary.

Slowly, but surely, I'm making peace with the ones I'm having to let go. Option B? Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, because it is so much better than struggling to make certain relationships something they'll never be. Then, that is where God comes in to fill those holes and redirect your energy to the people who need it most. He needs us to get rid of the weeds to allow the fruitful, beautiful relationships that He scripted to blossom.

I feel like it's the same way for dying dreams. You reach an age where you realize certain dreams will never come to pass. For me, it's a particular career, having a daughter of my own, giving my children a certain lifestyle, being a different size, etc. It hurts a lot to wave my white flag and surrender, knowing that these things just aren't possible. But dwelling on what will never be is only causing ridiculous amounts of negativity and pain. What I've learned is that letting go of these things is actually less painful than constantly mourning them. I've never been one to quit or give up without a fight. So it's really weird to have to throw up my hands and say "oh well". But it's all making way for Him to reveal His greater plan for my life. Option B..."Surrender", can be very bitter, but it is also far sweeter than I ever imagined.

I don't know why all of that had to come to a head in 2016. It was like a gigantic pimple that felt so good when it finally decided to pop! It all truly felt as gross as that sounds. Don't get me wrong! We've had our fair share of blessings and they have been counted numerous times and I'm usually not a Debbie-Downer on this here little blog. But all that muck may be why I haven't felt much like visiting this space. It's not really fun to write about pain and loss, and the weight of a heavy heart makes it so hard to be perky. If you can relate, know I'm praying for you and that we can move into this new year...2017, recognizing and kicking the sh*t out of our Option B.

Happy New Year!

Hello... It's me.

Hello? It's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet. To go over...everything...

That seems like a pretty good way to make my re-entry into Blog Vegas! And since life in the last few months has been kind of heavy in the Acres, I think I'm gonna re-enter with a recap of some good times.

Sound good? Good.

November.
My little Fu-Man-Choo was cast as Augustus Gloop in the 5th grade play. He was absolutely perfect! And it couldn't have been a more fun production if they tried. It was some greatly welcomed comic relief after that darn election!







The highlight, according to Fulton, was getting to wear a fat suit!

Excuse the heads. And when will I ever learn to turn the phone the right way?

October.
In case you didn't hear me screaming and crying from the mountain top, my long awaited 2015 Christmas surprise became a reality. I FINALLY GOT TO SEE ADELE!!! And it was quite possibly the greatest night of my life. Ever.

I went a little crazy and may have streamed it live on FB for my mom and sweet friend, Renata because they might be almost as obsessed. Unbelievable. That was Friday.

Shan and I don't get away very often so Saturday, we.slept.all.day. And that, was a very close second to the concert. We got a late dinner at the famous Pitty Pat's Porch - which is ridonkulously good. After dinner, our high school friend, Matt treated us to a night at his improv called Dad's Garage. If you're in the ATL and have time for a good laugh, please pay them a visit. Outstanding!

And the only way to really capture what a great weekend it was, is to make a cheesy video of course. (And thanks to youtube the even cheesier song got muted. darn copyright laws.)

Early in October, we spent a fabulous weekend in Brevard with friends. We couldn't have asked for better company or weather.









And we celebrated no.14 for this guy! Whaaaat?

And 5 days later we celebrated no.42 for moi! Whaaaaaaaaaat?

How does a 42 year old celebrate, you ask? At the SC State Fair. With an elephant ear as a cake. And then if she's blessed with great friends, they take her out to dinner.









And October wouldn't be complete with me mentioning my favorite holiday, Halloween!

This year was weird. It was on a Monday and I have one trick or treater down. This momma is sad. I don't like this getting older thing. Not one bit.

This year we had "just Sam", some scary characters - a creepy jester and some kind of black phantom- and a superhero duo...Batman and Robin.







Oh and I can't forget...our hurricane party for hurricane Matthew - so fun -and Oliver's head injury on a natural disaster weekend with no power (only "good" because it wasn't serious and it was highly comical and ironic the way it all happened. And it gives us something to laugh about.).







September.
September was a total blur. Total.blur. The only thing I really remember was this cool kid celebrating no.11, the Beautycounter for Target launch, and an AC Flora cheer reunion.









Any who. November is over halfway done and I'm absolutely giving thanks for all the things...big and small. Life is hard sometimes and I have recently been clinging to the good to keep perspective. And trust me, it has pulled me through every single time!

It was good to do a catch-up dump on this-here space on the interweb. I've missed it!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Year + 2 months in Review

It's Christmas 2015! Remember me?

This year when I created our Christmas cards -that only made it to half of our list- I instinctively put my blog address on them, as I have the last 7 or 8 years. Only to later realize that I haven't blogged in 14 months!!! I figured a year-in-review or life lately post was in order. What do you think?

Any who lets start with the boys...

Sam- 

Sambo is now THIRTEEN and a sev-enth gra-der! It's completely unreal. In the last year he has taken up golf and seems to really enjoy it. He and Shan spend some good QT together as they get in some swings. He continues to rock out on the guitar and gave me one of my proudest mom moments back in the spring when he did his first guitar showcase. I have to say he's got some pretty good taste in music. Take a listen to his song choice...
 

Sam was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease this past summer. As some of you know, it is a chronic condition with which I'm very familiar. Two of my 3 bros have it, but it stinks really bad to see my baby boy have to deal with it, especially at this age. But it is being well-managed! It has given me the opportunity to dip my toes into awareness and advocacy for Crohn's and Colitis and I hope to become more involved with it in the near future.

Sam with some of his best buddies on his 13th Birthday trip to Deceased Farms. Such super cool guys! They weren't scared a bit. ;-)

He's still my quiet, compassionate boy, with a HUGE heart and great sense of humor. He loves a good prank and getting a chuckle outta folks. So far, so good in teenage wasteland with Sam!

 

 

Fulton-

Fu-bird is cruising through the 4th grade with flying colors. He turned the big double digits in September! Yee-haw!! Year-round swimming is his jam right now and he has recently taken up playing the drums (and I'm loving every second of it! Hello! #stagemom).

Fulton surprised all of us with his amazing stage presence and pretty darn good singing ability as he performed the roll of Cat in the Hat from Seussical in his class play. Another proud momma moment! Check him out...
 

Fu-man-choo gave us a good scare when we mixed a peanut butter cracker, an expired Epipen, and bumper to bumper traffic at the beginning of the summer. Holy moly!!! Not a good situation and thank the Lord for the ER. And just FYI...Doctor's Care does NOT stock Epinephrine. True story. He got his first and hopefully last ambulance ride. Fulton's plan is to be a doctor. And not just any doctor, but a "famous Neurosurgeon". So maybe somewhere along the medical way he'll discover a cure for food allergies!

Fulton still has his signature wit and he can sure charm the pants off the ladies! He is really growing into such a cool young man. 
 

 

Oliver-

Ver-man is the life of the party! There is never a dull moment with this goofball. He is our big 1st grader now! He loves school and is an excellent reader and thankfully did not get my terribly distorted math gene. Oliver loves to sing, play soccer, and just asked Santa to bring him his own golf clubs. Looks like Shan and Sam may have some competition on the green now! 

 

Oliver got his second set of stitches -actually staples- the week before school started...in his head! So much blood. Eeeeeek!!! He was a trooper! He and his brothers were "cage fighting" on the trampoline. Sweet Baby Jesus, help me!

Oliver's personality lights up a room and he has NEVER met a stranger. He's such a fun little guy to be bringing up the rear of this crazy family.

 

Shannon- 

Shan is thriving in his career with AgFirst as an IT Project Manager. He's been there a little over a year now and loves it! Well, we both love it and I probably love it even more because he doesn't have to travel any more. Praise!!! Shan is the Super Dad of all dads. He is always at games, practices, meets, performances, etc. and probably handles keeping up with their schedules better than I do!
 

 

 

Shan enjoys playing golf, coaching the boys' basketball teams, and officiating for SCISA sports. He constantly has a project going on in our "mature" home...which he's very good at! He takes such good care of all of us and continues to be my best friend and a giant blessing in our lives. I am grateful to have celebrated 16 years with him back in June. Shan is my voice of reason and my rock. He's keeps me sane and balanced. He makes me proud in so many ways. I am very thankful that he's the yin to my out of control yang!

And then there's me!

 

I last left you in October 2015, on the eve of my 40th birthday. I survived it like a boss and even managed to rock my 41st bday as well. Whoot!

This past March I got a call from my JLC friend, Carla, with a proposition I couldn't refuse. She asked if I'd like to come back to my college alma matter,  Columbia College, to work as an Alumnae Event Coordinator. What?!?! Of course the stars had to align to suit our family, and they did! It's been a great! 

 

 

The Junior League of Columbia is still a big part of my volunteer life, as we just wrapped up the 30th Anniversary of the Holiday Market. This past April I chaired the 90th Anniversary Celebration Luncheon with the most amazing committee! The day was PERFECT and I am so very proud of all of us...even 8 months later.

 

  

Annnnnd...I'm still on a mission to promote better and safer beauty with BEAUTYCOUNTER and I'm looking very forward to our 2016 Leadership Summit in February! The socials are so much fun that it doesn't even feel like work. You should host one! ;0)

 

  

Last October (2014), Shan planned a trip to San Fran and Napa to celebrate 95 years...2- 40th birthdays and our 15th anniversary. It was amazing!!! I'm forever grateful for Kathleen, one of my best friends, who helped coordinate, host, and entertain us on our visit. We've been wanting to go back since we boarded the plane home. Such a great memory! 
 

Speaking of making memories as we celebrate life... Last April, Shannon, along with our friends Helen and John, pulled off the most fun surprise HALF birthday party a girl could want! Almost all of my favorite people in the world were there. We had barbecue, cake, my favorite wine, and most of all...KARAOKE...(a.k.a. CLAUDIOKE). It was definitely one of the most fun nights of my life!

I'm sad that the only family pic we got turned out blurry, but it's still a sweet memory!

 

This year went by faster than any other. There were many events and family time for which I am grateful and we also had a few that had us loving our family members and neighbors a little harder.
Last December my mom suffered a stroke. It shook our family pretty hard. But I am always pleased to report that she has recovered beautifully!

And in October we watched flood waters consume our precious city. The rapid-like water destroyed everything in it's path. We were very fortunate to escape with only minor damage from prolonged rain. Shan, the boys, and I joined the thousands of people helping with relief efforts. It was hands down the most humbling experience for our family. God is truly in control and God is so very good.  

 

 

 This is next door to my house. It's a truck that had floated out of someone's driveway and down the road. And this is my next door neighbor's backyard. There is about an 8-10ft drop from our yard to theirs. The water was level with our backyard. Unbelievable! And we are beyond grateful to be at the top of the hill!

 

Long story short...

Over the last 14 months, if I wasn't wrangling my wild boys or hangin' with my tribe,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then you may have seen me... 

Trying to catch a predator on the news or

Doing some crazy ex-cheerleader moves at a gala or 

 Being crowned Miss South Carolina in the Holiday Market office or

 

 Forcing my husband to dress like a toddler again! or 

 

 Stealing clothes from a department store or

 Telling someone about the greatest, life-changing, most gorgeous red lipstick or

 

 

On a super fun date with my handsome hubby or

 

Getting my car jumped because I left it on all day at work or

 

 On stage pretending I'm Adele or the lead singer for Journey or

Riding around The Acres with my back hatch open, delivering supplies to flood victims.

 

I need a keeper!

 

Any who, I love my family time with Shan and the boys and there never seems to be enough time for that. Life gets hectic and sometimes it's tough to manage it all...hence, my 14 month blogging hiatus. But I try to remember that this time is flying by faster than I ever imagined. The days are long, but the years are short!

Thanks for hanging with this post until the end. Hopefully 2016 will bring me more opportunity to visit this little space. I've missed it! I'm hoping all of you had a joyous Christmas Day and that you receive many blessings in the New Year!