When I started blogging 11-ish years ago, life was slower - simpler. Well, life ain't that simple anymore. And parenting definitely ain't that simple anymore. And it's all happening in a whirlwind. Is it bad to say that I feel like I am building them all up, just to let them all go? I am struggling and trying to hang on to every day I have with them in my home. It seems like yesterday that a bright pink little baby boy was placed on my chest, as we welcomed him to the world. That little baby grew into a silly toddler who loved to take naps on the sofa with his momma. He then grew into an adolescent who had a fiery passion for guitar and a great sense of humor, who also loved to be his momma's copilot on errands. Now he's a handsome, solid, teenager who still loves his guitar, but also loves golf and friends and spending time doing his "own thing". And I hear "not right now, mom" a lot more than I'd like these days.
He still loves his momma. I know he does. But some days - lots of days - he makes me wonder. And lots of nights I pray myself to sleep, hoping he always will and wondering if I've done enough to make him the man he needs to be. I lie awake wishing I could go wake him up and get him to talk to me.
As I finish tucking in his youngest brother, I am secretly wishing it was his bedtime too, not only because I would like to spend some time with my husband, but often because I wish I could snuggle with him and have him ask me to read him a story. He has no idea how bad I want to. All that went by faster than I ever imagined and it was so special.
Instead, now he wants to play his video games or text-chat with his friends for a little while longer. It seems exerting independence is more prevalent at 14 than when he was 2. There are so many battles! I have to choose them wisely. The hair battle. The condemnable bedroom battle. The clothes-on-the-floor battle. The homework battle. The friend-choice battle. Pretty soon it will be the car keys battle. So for right now, I will rejoice in the simplicity of the bedtime battle.
All of this...it's kind of like living with a stranger. A stranger who needs tighter boundaries. A stranger who doesn't like to share his heart a whole lot. A stranger who's trying to figure it all out. Little does he know...so is his momma.
I am trying to figure out what he likes to talk about. I'm trying to figure out when to be quiet {which we all know I'd rather be shot than be quiet}. I'm trying to figure out when to tighten the reigns and when to let them loose. A few weeks ago we registered him for HIGH SCHOOL. And even with a guidance counselor sitting there advising us, I was trying to figure out what the best classes would be for my son. After all, I know him better than anyone else. He assured me that he's "got this". And he may for this, but I know that he still needs me, even when he thinks he doesn't.
I also know that in the next couple of years my heart is going to take a backseat to the heart of every other girl that crosses his path. I know that it will be that way until he knows his heart needs me again. And as tough as it is to swallow, I will wait, just like I did on his first day of school. And what a LONG wait that was.
Parenting a teenager is a constant second guess. I truly wish it was as simple as picking out a theme and invitations for his fourth birthday party. I wish I could rewind a lot of days and do things over again. Do them better. But grace is all I have right now. Amazing grace! Because we are both growing up together...learning as we go. And sometimes...it just ain't that simple.
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